I dont want to talk about my daughter in this post because this post is part of the other one, about my past. The pain her father caused me, and the pain I caused myself. She will get her own post because she is the light of my life. so i will leave out the parts about her and talk about the bad moment when she first got here.
You know how you watch those “we’re expecting” videos on youtube? how the whole family is so happy and everyone cries, including you watching it. How the fathers are excited and scared at the same time when they find out. and then those women get to enjoy their pregnancy. well im not one of them.
when i told A I was pregnant, these were his only words.
” I think you should get an abortion.”
I was hurt. How could someone say that? when I started telling my friends and family I thought they would be happy. here are the comments I got instead.
“you’re too mentally ill to take care of a baby.”
” you know, being a mom is hard. you should just let me adopt her from you. she will be raised right.”
” you’re so fucking stupid.”
” the smart thing to do is have an abortion, A is too young to be a father. you’ll only end up raising it alone.”
So instead of happiness, I felt ashamed, I felt panicked and most of all, I felt completely alone.
I was surprised that I had no urge to drink, or do drugs at all. ( though I was high as a kite on oxy’s when I went to the hospital for gallbladder pain only to find out i was pregnant.)
A pressured me for 4 months to have the abortion, and I kept saying I would. But I wasnt ever going to. This was my body, and NO ONE gets to tell me what to do with it. A left the hospital 10 minutes after she was born. and I was most definitely on my own. Except i had my mom. but again, i wont talk about that in this post, so lets skip ahead to when i was no longer nursing and my daughter was four months old.
A no longer lived with me, But I asked him to come over and stay with our daughter for the night. because i needed a break. He came over, but didnt give me a break. the next morning I asked him if he could take her and watch cartoons with her while i got a little more sleep. he was angry for me waking him up, and started yelling at me, calling me a bitch, a whore, a fucking cunt. I got out of bed and walked to where he was in the living room, and yelled at him for calling me that. to which he punched me in my face 4 times, ripped my shirt off of me, tried to put a plastic bag over my head and then started choking me. so i started choking him back. one of my friends, ( ill call her C, she was holding my daughter in my room watching horrified, my other friend ( who ill call B) tried to break us up. C told him he better leave because we were calling the cops. I took my friends 10 minutes to convince me to call the cops on him, because i felt bad for him. H is mom called me to cry and say that he told her he didnt touch me, and to please dont have him arrested. Without my friends there, i wouldnt have pressed charges. Im glad they were there. CPS had to come out because my daughter was in the house when it happened. the case worker talked to A in jail and said he showed no remorse. didnt care, was almost proud that he attacked me.
I started wanting to go out with friends. so my mom watched my daughter so i could go out. I went with C and B to Ybor city. really gross grimy place full of bars and nightclubs. I had been set free, from A, from my daughter. I drank like there was no tomorrow, ( all tequila.) danced with anyone, and by 2am. i didnt want to go home. When I was home, I didnt want to be there, my daughter would do nothing but cry, and I felt like i wasnt meant to be a mom, so I got high. back on xanax. I missed out on the first year of my daughters life because of my drug use, and drinking. But at the time I didnt care, because if i cared, I would have to face a lot of things. that the man I loved my whole life was no longer in love with me, that i wasnt sure i could be a good mom, that at 22 I felt 40. like i had wasted my life already. So i just kept drinking, and getting high. I had already lost the innocent girl i once was, the girl who believed that everyone was good, trusted everyone first. I had no sense of reality anymore.
I started sleeping with men that I had just met. ( A was the second person I had ever slept with.) I started dating this gross druggy named drew. And i hated him because he would steal my drugs. So i told him to fuck off and i went to guavaween with B. took 8 peaches, and started drinking. apparently, i was on a party bus, and was in the parade throwing beads to people. which i have no memory of doing.
I dont think I even remember the week after that. I started getting into arguments with my mom when i wasnt high. and taking off leaving my daughter with her.
I started to feel more unsure about myself, my sexuality. my beliefs. because I was with A from the time i was 14-21. a time when young people are exploring what they want to become, but i fell in love, and i became a part of A. I wasnt anything. I believed what he believed, I liked what he liked. I worshiped him. so i never had to try and figure out who i was. But with that life being yanked out from underneath me, I was left in the dark, scared and unsure of everything. so I grasped at people, needing them to love me, and I thought if i gave them what they wanted, they would stay. they would love me. and i wouldnt have to be alone. But they all kept leaving. Now sex doesnt make someone good or bad. but i wish i didnt have sex with any of those people. i wasted a piece of me, on selfish people who didnt give a shit about me.
My dad had made a comment that “you’re fat, you should stop eating.” when i was 23, so thats what i did. again. I got diet pills, and tried working out first. the healty way. until i stopped losing weight. and the number on the scale refused to go down. so i stopped eating. here are pictures of that “progress”
I would go days without eating anything, and i didnt want to drink even water. for fear that i would gain weight. that the number on the scale would go up. once i started feeling like i was going to pass out i would eat something, then i would throw it back up. i threw up so hard, so violently that viens on my face popped and it looked like i had red freckles.
I puked so much, everyday. and i wasted away in front of everyone. and no one said anything. My bathroom leads to my dads bedroom, and he could hear me puke up my food. but never made a comment. I took 12 laxatives one night. and then threw up my food. got into bed in a hoodie and sweatpants because i felt cold. and my body hurt. i tried to go to the bathroom, but was too weak so i had to crawl. i collapsed in the bathroom floor, where my dads girlfriend found me. and called 911. I thought I was going to die. But I was proud, smug almost, a final fuck you to this world. and whatever gods there were. i was angry that i had been put through so much, been beaten down, it was like i was telling the gods. ” fuck you, ill kill myself, then i win. i beat you, you cant hurt me anymore. no one can.”
right after i got out of the hospital, my dads girlfriend made us go out for breakfast, and i wanted to cry. i didnt want to eat anything. I knew my body was hungry, after months of being starved. I knew that if i took a bite, i wouldnt be able to stop. and that i would be fat again. but i ate. and when we got home, my dad made a joke that hurt me to the core.
“got any more laxatives? i need to take a mean shit.”
I started dating a girl who i will call G. and G was beautiful, and was like a breath of fresh air that i needed desperately in my life. And i was happy with her. but everyone i knew made fun of me, saying how im not really a lesbian, that i was faking it. so to block them all out, i started drinking. and G would drink with me. a lot.
i had slept with girls before, from the time i was a kid. But being with G, I felt like this was something real, and lasting. but it wasnt. and for many reasons. She thought it was ok to sleep with men while we were dating, and I started to feel like she didnt really want to be with me, so i pulled away. We broke up, and then a few months later started dating again, for a few more months.
but she slept with one of her male co workers, and we broke up again. and she started dating said co worker for a while. I felt betrayed but moved on.
I got so drunk one night with a friend, and when i was going to have sex with this guy, i freaked out, and started crying. I had a full on panic attack to a stranger while we were both wasted. Everything that i had buried deep was starting to come up. and i didnt know how to stop it. So my friend poured out the goldschlauger and made me walk to an AA meeting that morning.
I was sober for 30 days. then got drunk at my friends wedding. well, the car ride there and at the wedding, and the entire week after the wedding.
More and more drinking. Then after I think a year, I tried to get sober again. but then in the midnight hours on june 1st 2014, I relapsed after 3 weeks sober. And I was raped by two men who i knew, who everyone at the party knew. Who were “nice guys.”
That will be a different post. its almost 3am and I wont sleep if i relive that night again.
what these posts were for, was to show you ( if anyone is reading.) that alcoholism, is deadly. not just to your body, but to your soul, your mind. your life. and those lives around you who truly care. Our tv shows and movies, and even the commercials glorify drinking, as if its a fun, carefree cool thing that everyone does, that brings people together. But by seeing those messages, and living in an alcoholic/drug addict household, alcoholism festers. and continues to destroy every generation it touches. Many people die everyday, losing their battle to alcoholism because we dont treat drinking as a disease. but it is. it was a crutch, a blanket to hide under from things i needed to face and heal from in my life. I havent drank since I was raped. and on the 1st of october I will be sober for 4 months. And I will never touch alcohol again.
Please think of the consequences before you start drinking. life is worth so much more than stumbling through it with blurred vision and run into possible dangers that can scar you for life.
CiCi
Personal Ramblings 