Stress

I recently started going back to therapy. and i am on new meds. for my anxiety and agoraphobia caused by my PTSD. and a mood stabilizer for my bi polar 2.   and i can’t wait to start feeling better. i wish that these meds would just be a quick fix. would fix my brain and i could live a normal life.  but it doesn’t work like that. therapy is needed, talking about bad things is necessary  to unlearn all of the negative thinking. to really heal i have to talk through everything.  i want it all to just go away, but it never really goes away, i can only heal from these things. the memories will still be here, but they (hopefully) won’t be painful anymore.

and I’ve started to notice where my stress comes from.

my father.

my father who yells at me for leaving a cereal box on the counter because “it doesn’t belong there”   my father who has decided i don’t get to have a shelf in the bathroom for my things, that i can just put them among the many old and expired things of his.  i am not a guest in this house. i live here. i have lived here for over 6 years now. this place is just as much mine as it is his. and yet I’m treated like a slave.  he yells and bullies me into cleaning the house, and cooking dinner everyday. and on the days when my depression is drowning me and i don’t clean, he yells at me how lazy i am. how i never do anything around here. that I’m worthless.    that I’m the crazy one if i stand up for myself, if i yell.

i feel like I’m not allowed to have a voice, a space. happiness. peace of mind.

my therapist says my spirit is broken from all the things that have happened to me. Its more than just broken. its shattered, and burned and completely destroyed. there is no tool that can repair it.

i don’t know why i was born into a situation with poisonous people, who have continuously sucked me dry of any happiness.

its like I’ve been living with dementors my entire life.

there is no light, no happiness, no warmth. just cold, just pain and sadness. just darkness. blind deafening silence.

i really don’t want to do this anymore.

Festival season!!

HELLO EVERYONE!

I have been missing since the beginning of march, I was held up writing a new story. started as a short story and then i just couldn’t stop adding to it.  Life of a writer and all that jazz.

Also things have ben up and down. but thats life.

I am officially a college student!!! HCC.

I am so full of love and happiness right now and i want to share it with all of you.

This is festival season ( or so I’ve been told)  and I may have missed Ultra. but i watched the entire livestream and it was wonderful.

the first festival I am attending in person this year is

THE SUNSET MUSIC FESTIVAL.

here in tampa, at the raymond james stadium.  and i usually go with my best friend to these things, but I’m not sure if she will be going with me this year. and I’m kind of scared to go alone.  I am most definitely going whether alone or not. because Tiesto will be there and I’m not passing the chance to meet the man who’s music has guided me through life.

So I’m calling all of my ravers, all of those in the EDM family. If you are going to SMF this year in tampa, i would love to meet up with you there!

EDM music, and the festivals are a place where people come together and are connected by the music. It truly is a magical place to be. If any of you lovely people are going, please comment on this post. or add me on Facebook. JUST GET IN TOUCH WITH ME SOMEHOW.  🙂

I don’t have many friends and am not too good with social situations alone. so lets meet up.

im CiCi Campbell on Facebook.

roswellian_starseed on instagram

and Roswellian285 on twitter.

i love you all!

spread love

❤

cici

Food review

today I went to Applebee’s  for lunch with my father and Isabella. I ordered a few dishes so I could try some of their popular dishes. I didnt have my camera with me, so I had to take pictures of the dishes with my dads cell phone. so the pictures are not quality, but they do the job. This is my first restaurant review so lets get this started.

Atmosphere:

the first thing I noticed was that they had a separate section for smokers. OUTSIDE, where they should be if at all.

we did have to wait fro about 5 minutes before we were seated.

out waitress’s name was Liz, and she was so friendly. She answered all of my questions about the food with ease and never seemed to be annoyed by them.  she as also very interactive with my daughter which was very nice

the rest of the staff that walked around were very friendly always smiling and making sure we had everything we needed without smothering us.

It wasnt too loud inside, it was a calm chatter. The music was also nice, an eclectic mix that everyone could enjoy.

the only thing i didnt like was the overhead lighting. It was harsh and a little warm.

Food:

Siracha shrimp.

(at the point of this picture, i had eaten most of them.)

I wasnt sure if i would like these because i had never tasted siracha. I knew it was a spice sauce. but that was about it. So I asked our server Liz what it tasted like. She told me it was spicy. So I ordered it to see if i could take the spicy.  I loved it with the first bite. The sauce isnt spicy at all, maybe a little “bite” but nothing unbearable. I could taste a hint of the vinegar. It was delicious though. the only thing I didnt like was how much breading there was. I had to peal most of it off because I felt I was eating more breading than I was the actual shrimp.

Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad

The chicken Ceasar  salad was good. Nothing amazing. The lettuce was fresh and crisp, and there wasnt too much dressing. The only thing I didnt like about this dish was that the chicken was really dry. The bowl was huge, like really big. I ended up sharing it of course.

Spinach artichoke dip:

One of my favorite appetizers to order at any restaurant I go to. Its not something that you can mess up. My daughter loved it so much that she ate most of it before I could get a bite. She dipped the chips, her fries, her fingers. The only thing was the tortilla chips were really thin and a bit oily.

Bourbon Street Chicken and Shrimp sizzler

I disliked this dish the most, as soon as it was put on the table there was smoke everywhere, and a piece of potato that was burned to a crisp, that was letting off gross smelling smoke. I think that there should have been a separate plate to transfer the food too because leaving it on the “sizzler” plate, it continued to cook. Which caused the potatoes to be overcooked and dried out. They were bland, No flavor at all. Even the ketchup from my daughters plate couldnt help. The chicken was ok, juicy. But the taste of thyme was really strong. The shrimp were cooked nicely, again though, everything tasted like thyme. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Also, I burned my hand on the plate twice. I know it was a hot plate, I know that when plates come out of the kitchen they are sometimes hot, but this one, was dangerously hot. especially with my four year old daughter sitting next to me who could have placed her hand on it and get hurt.

Cedar grilled Lemon Chicken:

“Cedar grilled chicken garnished with Granny Smith apple relish. Topped with lemon olive oil vinaigrette over a blend of cranberries, rice, honey-glazed pecans & quinoa.” -from the applebee’s website.

It was delicious. The lemon wasnt too over powering, the chicken was juicy, and the quinoa was great.

2for1 margarita’s:

( MY FATHER ORDERED THESE BECAUSE I DONT DRINK. I HAD HIM DESCRIBE THEM TO ME. THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS FROM MY FATHER.)

There wasnt enough tequila, the mix was ok. There should have been more salt on the rim, and they served it in a tall glass instead of the traditional margarita glass which he didnt like. I thought it was weird too. He said overall, the margaritas were mediocre at best.

PRICE: for all of this I ended up paying roughly $50.  I think for what we ordered was ok.

we had a lot of leftovers, that we needed boxes for, the boxes were pretty small though.

overall, i enjoyed my experience at applebee’s. The staff are friendly and professional. they know about the food on their menus. The price range is medium. Affordable. and in my opinion worth it.

I give this restaurant an 8/10

hello ana

I should put a trigger warning on this one.

TRIGGER WARNING: anorexia, eating disorders.

People think that eating disorders go away, that they can be healed and treated completely. But thats not the reality of it. Once  “ana” or  “mia” or “ED” dig their hooks in you, they can never be taken out.

ive been high for maybe a week straight. The days have melded together, and i cant stop myself. i cant stop grabbing the bottle of pills and swallowing them.  so im in a constant haze.

my dad has made 5 comments today about my weight.

that i have a big ass, that im getting fat, that i should stop eating.  and i kept telling him to stop commenting on my body. because i do suffer from n eating disorder. but he doesnt stop.  and now, i can feel all the fat. I feel so gross, and im not eating. again.

all i want to do is sleep. im a shitty mom. i just want to be better. im tired of feeling like a giant fucking mistake. im ruining everyone’s life around me.  i dont want to do this anymore.  i want to be happy. i want someone to give me pills that will fix my brain. make me happy, make me a good mom, make me skinny and beautiful.

my anorexia is back.

shit, i thought i was better.

can I love?

some nights, i feel so lonely. and i crave affection, or  intimacy. just another body next to mine, to hold me and kiss me.

i know im not ready for a relationship right now. but i just get so damn lonely.

an aching to be close to another human, even if i had to pay someone to pretend to love me, right now i would.

it terrifies me, i think that i wont find anyone to love me. that i cant love anyone.

ive been beaten, ive been sexually assaulted, ive been used.

i feel like those men sucked all the love, and happiness, and trust out of me.

and left this numbed empty shell behind.

i need a human. to make me feel human again..

Everybody poops

WARNING: this post is about pooping. and IBS, and how to never have to use a public restroom.  i will be talking about pooping.

so I thought about this yesterday when i found myself stuck having to use a public bathroom at a diner.

i havent been able to poop in a public bathroom ever. when i was in middle school and i had to do a number 2, i would fake sickness and have my mom come get me early. just so i could go home to use the bathroom.

now that im older, and  have stomach problems, i had to figure out strategic ways to make sure i never got stuck in public restrooms again. so here are the steps i take. so i know i dont have to poop until i get home.

ONE: if you have a very sensitive stomach, and have someplace to be early in the morning, DONT EAT before leaving the house. because odds are, in about 10 to 20 minutes, youre going to have to get that food out. and you wont be anywhere near home.  i usually dont eat for three hours after i wake up just to make sure my stomach is going to be ok.

TWO: dont eat things that will upset your stomach. like dairy, meat, fast food of any kind. also apples and strawberries. so if you are out to lunch with friends, or even just on your lunch break at work, avoid those things.

(also if you are a smoker, smoking makes you have to poop. so i would just quit smoking all together)

THREE: if you have an overly sensitive stomach like me, dont drink really cold drinks when its hot. i cant tell you how many times my stomach gets turned in knots from chugging ice water on a hot day.

sometimes i forget these rules, and ill be stuck somewhere in public. and my stomach hurts so bad, to the point of puking. at those times, i dont care if im in  public bathroom, if the people in the other stalls can hear or smell me.

those are the only times i realize that, we are all human. and we all poop.  and we shouldnt feel ashamed  for a natural bodily function. no matter how unpleasant it may be.

when did we all forget that we are humans with human functions?

i hope these tips are helpful for anyone suffering with public pooping fears, IBS, chrones disease, or any other stomach problems.

❤

surviving

after i was threatened with rape a few days ago, i tried to cope with it the only way i know how. through art.

i cried all day, and then took a hot bath with a bath bomb. and i decided to take some pictures. my eyes are swollen, i have no make up on. this is in the raw. this is ptsd when triggered.

I am nude in these pictures, if you have a problem with nude pictures of women, then please do not look any further. also, if you have comments about “slut” or ” you shouldnt show your body.” then please dont look either.

i did this instillation because most sexual assault victims end up hating their body, they cover it up. feel ashamed of their own bodies.

but i think we should take back our bodies, heal ourselves.  what happened to us, was violent and ugly.

but our bodies are NOT UGLY.

they are beautiful, and they are healing.

this is about self love.

our bodies were trespassed upon by violent monsters.

its time that we learn to love our bodies again, they may have battle scars, but we are beautiful, and we deserve healing, and love, and peace.

❤

spread love

cici

violence against women

I have once again been MIA.

its not like any of you sit around waiting for another angsty post from me. BUT IF YOU DO, then fear not because i am back and im here to post not one, but TWO posts!

so about three days ago I was on okcupid, and i got this message from an asshole. ( i get messages from assholes all day, but this one was a gaping prolapsed asshole.)

his first message to me was rude, so me not being one to hold back or take shit from men, i told him off. he thought it was a game, and then once i hit one of his fragile little man nerves, he got violent with me. i can handle a man calling em a bitch, or even a cunt. telling me to go kill myself, calling me fat or even ugly. those are all hilarious because men think that women actually give a shit what they call us.

but then things went too far.

he threatened to rape me.

and as most of you know, i WAS raped 9 months ago. and i suffer from severe PTSD because of it.

it said on his profile that he only lived 11 miles from my home, and i was terrified. i was crying, and shaking. and i was thrust back 9 months, having dark, violent memories drowning me.

i had to skype my mom until my dad got home, because i didnt feel safe.

this is NOT OKAY!

he said these things to me, as a way to control me. he didnt like that i asked men not to call me “pet names” he hated that i was outspoken. that my main picture was a selfie of myself. he hated that i was a women, who loved herself, and didnt need a mans validation. so he tried to use his words to shut me down. and when words didnt do anything. he went to violence.

it is never ok to threaten a woman, or anyone with rape.

I reported him to the site, and had him blocked. but not before i screen saved our conversation. ill share it with you.

this next image is a TRIGGER WARNING.

it was a nightmare. he thinks im a fantasy, that im only playing hard to get but that “deep down” i really want him. its gross, and scary. really fucking scary that men like this exist. and even scarier, that women dont know by first glance which men are like this.

so men, when us women act suspicious of you, just know that we dont know you, and most of us have been assaulted before. its not about your feelings being hurt, its about our need to feel safe.

i got a message tonight from the site moderator or whatever
(the guy in charge) and he sent me this.

so he has been deleted. but he could always make another profile. and if i get messaged again by him, i will take legal action.

Crash into me

ive been MIA for a week or two, I  was manic and i took advantage of it. i cleaned, i rearranged the house, went to a new nature park everyday and took more pictures. made my own website for my photography.

but if you suffer from bi polar disorder then you know that as soon as that rare manic episode is over, you crash right back down into the hole. and damn did i smack the ground hard this morning when i woke up.

i think the trigger was an old “friend” and im only using that word because ” fucking piece of garbage dog shit fucker” is grammatically wrong and a little mean.

the kid i lost my virginity too when i was 16 added me on facebook. i wasnt in love with him, i was 16, i didnt understand love, or sex or anything that even most adults barely understood. but he wanted to have sex, so he made a fucking plan. “by his own admission btw” to make me like him, to make out with me, and touch me to make me “crave” him as he put it.

on the fucking day i was supposed to do it, i was unsure, terrified even. i wasnt sure i should do this. but i asked my “friend” if it was the right thing to do. she said “just do it, get it over with. its not a big deal.”  verbatim.  so i went to his house layed on his bed, and moaned like they do in pornos. did it hurt?  no. i didnt feel anything. maybe like something was invading my body. something that shouldnt have been there. but it didnt hurt. didnt happen like it does in all the teen romance movies, or the teen comedies. and when it was over, i sat up and put my underwear back on. he said he’s like me to be his girlfriend. i said sure. and then i crawled out the window and left.

later on that day, he started bragging about it. right in front of me. about how much blood there was, about how i screamed his name.   i felt like complete dirt.  I did crack for the first time that same week.

I think this is where it started. my self-hate. The moment where I no longer cared, where i gave up. where the person i was died.

was it rape?

probably not. I mean i did go in the room with him, i took off my underwear.

was it consensual? fuck no. i was a child. an innocent 16 year old girl who had never been touched by anyone. i was doing what i though i should.  i wasnt being protected by any of the people close to me, who claimed to love me. no one told me how life really is. no one told me how people really are.

we all get that “talk”

when two people love each other. you will find someone who loves you completely and then happily ever after.

BULLSHIT.

people care about themselves. people are selfish, and evil, and dangerous. and cruel.

and the ones who claim to love and care about you, they disappear whenever you need them for anything real.

thats the most scary and depressing thing about life.

knowing that  no one is going to help you. no one is going to save you, no one really cares.

my god, my entire life has been nothing but shit. i have never known love. i didnt love izzys father. i was a child, doing what i though i was supposed to do.  a guy tells you he loves you and will never leave you, and you give him your soul. you give him your life (even before you know who you even are as a person) and you are blinded. you think they love you.

but i look back on all the fights he and i had, and i see now. he walked away from me, he laughed at my hurt, he abused me.

he never loved me.

no one has ever loved me.

and ive never loved anyone.

i dont remember these holes being so dark. im scared of myself right now. I want to drink so bad right now. i want to get high. it would ruin my 9 months of sobriety.

god, i didnt even have time to prepare for this episode. it just hit me, and i went to my room, locked myself in, took off my clothes and turned my music up so loud. i am literally sitting on my bed in my underwear with all the blinds open, blaring the used.

sorry about this post, im spiraling. theres no sense in any of it. just emotions. everything that comes into my head. i write it as i think it.

im not ashamed of this. how honest i am here.  Because mental illness is still seen as a joke, its seen as not bad.

its really fucking hard.

your head is a prison. your body, and your life isnt your own.

i gotta get out of this house.

Bath bomb/ bubble bar review

hello earthlings!

Yesterday I got some new LUSH products in the mail. And Izzy really wanted to try it out.  So tonight we tried the butterball bathbomb with the sunny side bubble bar. and here is what I thought of it all.

the butter ball bath bomb smelled nice, sweet.

the sunny side bubble bar smelled like a lemon cake and honestly, i wanted to eat it. It was covered in gold shimmer which i was excited about.

so we put the bomb in first, there is no color too it, which was boring but ok because the smell was really strong. The little globs of coco butter started shooting out and the smell was sickly sweet and I realized i hate the smell of coco butter.

the bubble bar was nice, the smell was heavenly. and the gold shimmer in te water was really cool. but the bubbles were not hollywood style. they lasted maybe 2 or 3 minutes before dissolving.

I only stayed in this bath for 5 minutes because the coco butter globs made me feel like i was in a dirty bath, and my skin is not smooth, it feels greasy. the globs never dissolve, they just float around or stick to the sides of the tub.

I give the butter ball bath bomb a 1/10

and the sunny side bubble bar a 4/10 because the smell is so nice.

( again these are just MY opinions of these products, you should always test them out yourself before making any decisions.)

❤

cici