Stress

I recently started going back to therapy. and i am on new meds. for my anxiety and agoraphobia caused by my PTSD. and a mood stabilizer for my bi polar 2.   and i can’t wait to start feeling better. i wish that these meds would just be a quick fix. would fix my brain and i could live a normal life.  but it doesn’t work like that. therapy is needed, talking about bad things is necessary  to unlearn all of the negative thinking. to really heal i have to talk through everything.  i want it all to just go away, but it never really goes away, i can only heal from these things. the memories will still be here, but they (hopefully) won’t be painful anymore.

and I’ve started to notice where my stress comes from.

my father.

my father who yells at me for leaving a cereal box on the counter because “it doesn’t belong there”   my father who has decided i don’t get to have a shelf in the bathroom for my things, that i can just put them among the many old and expired things of his.  i am not a guest in this house. i live here. i have lived here for over 6 years now. this place is just as much mine as it is his. and yet I’m treated like a slave.  he yells and bullies me into cleaning the house, and cooking dinner everyday. and on the days when my depression is drowning me and i don’t clean, he yells at me how lazy i am. how i never do anything around here. that I’m worthless.    that I’m the crazy one if i stand up for myself, if i yell.

i feel like I’m not allowed to have a voice, a space. happiness. peace of mind.

my therapist says my spirit is broken from all the things that have happened to me. Its more than just broken. its shattered, and burned and completely destroyed. there is no tool that can repair it.

i don’t know why i was born into a situation with poisonous people, who have continuously sucked me dry of any happiness.

its like I’ve been living with dementors my entire life.

there is no light, no happiness, no warmth. just cold, just pain and sadness. just darkness. blind deafening silence.

i really don’t want to do this anymore.

Lost little girl

I dont remember if Ive posted anything about my family on here. How weird and complicated it is. maybe not complicated for anyone else to see, but to me its complicated.

so I have my mom and dad. and i grew up as an only child. but my dad always told me about my sister. who he had with his wife before he met my mom.  we had a picture of her up in our living room, and i always wondered what it would have been like to grow up with her. to have her to tell secrets to. I think i would have been less lonely if she was around. but my dad moved us to Florida when i was born. and ive never known anyone in my family because they all live in Georgia and Tennessee. And that has always made me feel left out, and alone, and unwanted.

I found out I had a brother when i was about 16 or 17. My mom never liked to talk about him because she thinks my dad cheated on her with his mother. but hes also older than me. and i just asked my dad.  my sister is 35 and he is around 33.

Ive never spoken to him, or seen a picture of him until about a year ago, when my grandma told me his name, and i searched for him on facebook. He looks exactly like my dad. mustache and all.

I got a rush of happiness, and terror when I found him.

what if he didnt want to know me? what if he hates me because our dad left them and raised me?

i think it would have been nice to know him. to grow up with a big brother protecting me.  maybe he could have protected me from Izzy’s father.

I found out today that he’s been living on a mountain in alabama, and is an alcoholic. which is terrifying. because now my own alcoholism isnt just something i can fix. its in my blood. its real. and also it makes me sad. to know that my brother is on a mountain, drowning his pains and fears and problems. what if our dad is his problem?

does my brother have a fear of abandonment too? do we have that in common. the fear that no one will really love us, or stay with us? does he also fear that he doesnt deserve to be loved?

im scared that my sister doesnt love me. that i turned out to be a person that she could never accept.

I dont think ive ever felt this alone and scared before. today is a big low for me, and ive been high all day. And i dont feel good about that, about relapsing. But im just having a really hard time with all of this news, and all of these feelings.

And i hate opening up, and i hate people seeing me cry, or looking weak and vulnerable. so ive just been sitting here all day, getting high. and holding it all in until everyone went to bed, so i could just fall apart by myself. cause if no one saw me cry, then i didnt really cry. and nothing’s really wrong.

I dont know who I am. i dont know anything about my grandparents. i dont know anything about my moms family, or my dads family.

If i dont know anything about them, then I cant really know anything about me.

and I always seem so strong, and wise and tough. but at the end of the night, when theres no one around, and nothing to distract me, Im really just a scared lost little girl.  searching for someone to assure me that im wanted. that im loved. that im not alone.

cause all i feel is alone.

Love is a battlefield

And im against the war.

today has been shitty from the start. The first words I hear are “get up and clean the house.” is that all my father sees me for? someone to clean his messes? Im convinced  he doesnt see me as a human. That Im a robot, who shouldnt feel any emotion, shouldnt feel tired. Last week he started having his “seizures” i had to take his keys, and stay up til around three am to make sure he wen to sleep. and when i woke up the next morning, he was still awake. and had destroyed the house. I called my aunt to come take him to his walk in appointment. he got violent with me. calling me an idiot.  that i was fucking useless. a complete failure.

my aunt is the type to enable and coddle people who shes related too. as if just because i share blood with someone i   should just love them, and respect them no matter what they say, or how they treat me.

i cleaned the entire house while he as gone.

i dont like to clean or cook when a man is in the same house as me. it makes me angry. when i see them sitting on their ass as i bust mine to clean the whole house. as if this is my job, as a woman. and its not. so i dont clean when men are around me.

he was still violent when he came home, and asked me ( not nicely btw) where all the coffee packets went. and I told him that he had ripped them open, and they were strewn all over the counters. and i had to clean them up. he got angry, and said that he didnt do that. he accused me of throwing them away, that i had cut them up myself, as if i destroyed them in spite or something.

he then went to the bathroom, and when he came out he was yelling at me again. that someone had taken the fuzzy toilet seat cover off and hung it up and who the fuck would do that. ( its always me of course) he said i was a fucking idiot, and what the fuck was i doing with my life?   I knew he was losing his mind because that seat cover was never touched by me or my daughter, he was the last one in there. so he took it off, hung it up. then forgot that he had just done it. got confused and angry and took it out on his usual victim. ME.

my aunt tried to get him to go with her to stay the night at their moms house. which he refused, and then said he had to go somewhere and to give him his keys. I messaged his GF and she said just give him the keys. that he was being so rude to her. so i begged him to please just let my aunt drive him where he needed to go. I was crying, because I was terrified he would get in a wreck and die. my aunt decided to follow him, but she said he sped and she lost him. so I had to sit at home waiting, hoping he would show up at home alive, and that i wouldnt get a call to come identify my fathers body two weeks before christmas.

His friends wife started banging on the door, she said there was something wrong and i needed to call 911. so i ran out of the house crying, ran to the truck, his friend drove the truck home. when i opened the passenger side he was pale, he didnt even know he was in a car. i dont know where he was. but it wasnt here. i had him sit down on the steps as i called his name, but he was unresponsive. I called my aunt, because i didnt know what to do. i wasnt the adult woman, single mom who fights for anything anymore. I was a scared child, completely alone with no idea what to do for her father. i thought he was going to die.

So I called 911. and while I waited for them to get here, he was violent again. he took a swing at his friend. and then he set into me again. that he was hungry damnit. that i didnt make him any dinner, to go make him a fucking salad.

the EMT’s came and took him to the hospital. said his blood pressure was very low. so his friend drove me to the hospital, because i was too upset to drive.

at the hospital,  they took blood and urine tests, and gave him an MRI. he tried to marry me off to one of his male nurses. kicked me out of the house, then said i could move back in, said they stole his candy ( he didnt have any candy) and yelled at me and thought i was his GF.  by 10pm the tests still werent in, but i needed to get izzy home ad put her to bed. so i called my aunt, and she said she was on her way.

now every time i take him to the hospital, i warn every nurse and doctor. because he likes to rip IV’s out, and leave the hospital. so to keep an eye on him because he WILL leave.

the nurse called me to say he was being discharged. that his tests showed nothing except that he was overdosing on his narcotic medications. that he was killing himself by taking all of those drugs. he hadnt slept in three or four days, and hadnt eaten in that long too. i told my dad to stay put, that my aunt was on her way.

my aunt called me 15 minutes later to tell me that he was gone. he left the fucking hospital. that the cops had watched him walk out. that the nurses who KNEW he had overdosed on his meds and was NOT ok to walk out let him go. he had no shirt and no shoes. he was wearing jeans, and a jean jacket and a hat. at 1am. my aunt drove around searching for him around the hospital. i called every business around the hospital and gave my dads description. no one had seen him. I couldnt leave the house to go help look for him because my daughter was already asleep, and i tried messaging her father to come watch her while i went looking for my dad, but like he always does, didnt answer. ( still hasnt answered actually)

I sat here, paralyzed by fear, by dread. that I FOR THE SECOND TIME THAT DAY  was going to get a call to go identify my fathers body. two weeks before christmas.

then he came through the back door. i was relieved, then angry at him for putting me through this.

he was angry too. apparently it was my fault that he walked home.  it was my fault that i took him to the hospital.

my aunt showed back up at the house, my dad was screaming at me. brought up my past. how i spent my nights out drinking and doing drugs with my prostitute friends. that i as a horrible mother. and in that moment, i was fed up.

I had done nothing but try to take care of him, and worry about him. and be abused by him. all while trying to keep my daughter unaffected by his bullshit. i got up and walked toward him ready to knock his teethe out, but my aunt stopped me.

there is only so much I can take.

I was raped only 6 months ago, I have to take care of my four year old daughter, and my sick father, clen his house, cook food for them. i take care of them so much that i dont have even a minute a day to try to heal myself.

I feel like in in the middle of the ocean, and every minute a 40 foot wave crashes over me, and i have to fight to breathe. and i get one breathe, then another wave hits me. and another and another. my arms cramping, my legs too. my eyes burning, my body and mind completely exhausted. And im ready to stop trying to survive. im just ready to give up and sink to the bottom.

I just have one more week, and this year will be over. and I will have survived the year. the darkest, most violent year of my life. I will have made it. and i can shed the skin from all this war, and start next year, and the rest of my life as a new person. who no longer takes anything bad from anyone. Because i deserve better than the toxicity that ive been poisoned with my entire life.

What a time to be alive

the days I realize im in the middle of a depression spell, I always think. ” this is it. its almost over, If i can write about it that means Ill be out of this darkness in a few days or hours and maybe be able to get out of bed.”

but thats not how it really goes. i just keep sinking further down. things happen in my life, and i fall further down, not so much because im sad, but because i know i have no control over the situations that happen in my life and it infuriates me.

izzys father came to see her today. (the abusive monster for those of you who follow my blog.)

he said something to me today. something that angered me.

HIM: “I loved raping you.”

ME: “dont use that word for sex.”

HIM: “what? it was a joke.”

ME: “no, its not, i actually was raped, not that long ago. you cant say that.”

HIM: ” well im not the one who raped you.”

you didnt rape me, so you should be allowed to use the word rape when talking about sex with me? as if calling sex “rape” is a turn on, foreplay?

And this thing with my mom. I said a few posts ago that i wasnt talking to my mom. well my dad asked me today to message her, because shes my only mom, and if she dies that i will beat myself up about how we left our relationship. so for my dad i messaged her. i said that i wasnt ready to talk to her and that i was messaging her because i told my dad i would and that when i was ready to talk to her I  would.   she messaged me back and started screaming at me about talking shit about her mother.

which I have NEVER done.  so i told her that i dont know where she got that from. either her racist, controlling boyfriend, her racist gross new friends. or she is just bat shit fucking crazy. and then i told her that this was it. i had planed to maybe be civil. but after that, i was done trying.

im the kind of person who, is NOT outwardly emotional. affectionate. loving. I dont apologize, I am proud. i am stubborn. and i put up a wall around myself because i refuse to let anyone in to hurt me. and i know thats not “healthy” but thats the way I am. im all or nothing. and I am 100% who I am an nothing less.

it took a lot to agree with my father to speak with her, because she hurt me. and it took  lot to actually write to her in a non aggressive manner.  i put myself out there, and she hurt me again. and im not the dumb ass who keeps touching the fire to see if its still hot.

I started crying. I showed my dad how the conversation went and he said that it was not my mother writing that. i mean, it WAS her. but not who my mother was. my mom is sweet and kind, not educated, but loving. she loved everyone, trusted everyone and spoke ill of no one.  but ever since she started dating her new boyfriend, he has brainwashed her, destroyed her. turned her into a female version of him. he is controlling, my dad and I cant ever speak to her by herself, he is always right next to her, basically taking over the conversations, i can never speak to my mother alone without him being right there.

so now i am not only angry and hurt by my mother. im also scared for her life. and i want to get her out of that toxic relationship and bring her back home to me, and my daughter. even though she has hurt me so much. because I want her out and away from that toxic shitbag.

he moved her to the other side of the state. didnt let her get her drivers license renewed. never let her drive his car, and didnt want her to have a job. and now that she has a job, wants to put her money in his bank account!

i know abusive relationships. i lived it. i know the damn signs, i know all the excuses we give for our significant others.

I am stuck in a perpetuating cycle of anxiety, fear, and sadness and I am trying my best to stay positive.

I havent had alone time for meditation anymore lately. and the stress is taking its toll on my body.  I need good things to happen soon.

be happy, be good to the earth, spread love.

cici

What is love?

I have been, once again too depressed to do anything. I keep trying to think positive, and to distract myself. but sometimes that just doesnt work and I have to let the depression run its course. I havent talked to my mother in a week now, the last time I spoke to her she was rude, defending her racist actions. and im not the ind of person who can be friends with someone who is racist, or sexist. or any of those bad traits. i dont allow people to use them as excuses for anything. I am hard on the people I love because I expect better from them.

but the main reason im not talking to my mom goes deeper than her ignorance, her racism.   she has denounced who she is, and in turn denounced me.

my entire life my mother was very proud of our native american heritage. our house was filled with our dream catchers, and native american art. she always told me ” our hair is our strength.”  I grew up being proud of being a native american woman.

and my mother has always been a sweet person. never spoke bad about anyone, never got in fights with people. always trusted and loved whoever she met. yes she was ignorant. didnt have a real education. so she isnt very smart. but she has always had the biggest heart. she was innocent.

but ever since she met her new boyfriend, she is cynical, rude. says the N word like it means nothing. the way she talks to me is horrid. now we have always fought and cussed at each other, but there was love there. now something has changed. and I dont recognize her anymore.

and the thing that hurts me the most is that she is no longer proud to be a native american woman. she only calls herself jewish now.  her boyfriend, and all of their group of friends are jewish. and they are all very racist, and rude. its like they beat the sweet native woman out of my mother and turned her into one of them.

i wont pretend that i had a good relationship with my mother, or my father for that matter.  but thats all the family ive ever had. me, my mom, and my dad. regardless of how toxic they both are for me. I feel betrayed by my mother.

i dont want to talk about that anymore, im tired of crying.

I fell yesterday trying to put the christmas tree together. i twisted my ankle, fell on my wrist, and smacked my head pretty hard, and may have fractured or bruised a few ribs.

the sprangs and bruises i can handle. but my head has been hurting all day, and ive had some blurred vision, ive walked into rooms and forgot why i was there, and im forgetting how to spell words now.

so tomorrow im going to have my dad take me to the hospital to see a neurologist.  lets hope for the best.

anyway, try to be happy.

cici

Bad mother

I am such an angry person. I cant pin point the actual reason for the anger.  Im also very peaceful and work hard everyday to be nothing but positive.

tonight I lost my temper with my daughter.

I had given her a bath, and then put her on the couch to watch a movie while she fell asleep. But when I went out to get a drink, I was filled with anger. She had painted the coffee table, her blankets, herself, and the cat. All I could do was scream at her.

For making this mess, for not going to bed like I said, for painting the cat.

I didnt know what to do with myself. or her.

so I said things that I dont mean. hurtful things. And I didnt think before I said them. I just said what ever angry thing that was in my head. and it was wrong.

I dont know why i said the things I said. And once I calmed down I told her that I didnt and will never mean anything I said. I told her how angry I was. how Its hard on me, being a single mom, who doesnt have a fucking clue how to be a mom.

she apologized for painting everything, and we hugged.

its really hard, and i dont know how to get her to listen to me. how to get her to respect me.

and I dont know how to stop being so angry. hy am i so angry?

its not my daughter. im not really angry at her. shes innocent. she hasnt hurt me.  its just been a very long stressful day.  I just need her to go to sleep so i can cry without her seeing.

Quick Rant

I just want one god damn day where I can wake up at my own time. When my body is ready to wake up, and then sit on the couch and drink some tea, checking my facebook and tumblr. Make some breakfast for izzy and then maybe go sit in the shade.

But not here, not in this fucking house. My father thinks that everyone- no, not everyone. just me. he wants ME to wake up at the asscrack of dawn ( he sleeps til around 4pm sometimes) make this giant breakfast, clean the whole house, then go on an adventure taking izzy all around tampa then be home in time to cook a big dinner for everyone, bathe izzy, read her 6 bedtime stories, then go to bed myself.

Ive said it before, The whole 1950’s housewife thing is NOT the life for me, and i would kill myself if i had to live like that.

It is just boiling up, the anger from him judging me, and wanting to control what and how i live my fucking life.  ITS MY LIFE.

Im so frustrated with the fucking job situation here in tampa. I can work as a stripper, thats about the only place that will hire me here. with no high school diploma. And if i did go back to that, i would have more comments made about how i live my life. and i would probably stab someone for making said comments.

because its my fucking life.

Im so depressed and angry with this hole im in. a hole i most likely am fully to blame for. And no help to get me out. and no motivation to get myself out.

I am getting dressed to take izzy to the park by my house.

even after I have voiced how uncomfortable i am going places by myself after i was raped.

Im too angry to talk right now.

Better late…

It has been a few days. Im not sure how many, because ive been so friggin’ tired. And became violently sick yesterday. And there has been nothing going on here. Still tension between me and my father. So I will talk about our Saturday at the aquarium.

I bought a 6 person pass this june because izzy absolutely loves the aquarium. It was 175 dollars, but it was for all year so I figured it was a good investment.

So we woke up early Saturday, around 930. texted G, and then got up and got ready. I always enjoy pulling in because they have two separate car lines. one for general admission where you ahve to pay to get in, AND for parking. and then the other line for members only. We just swipe my card and head on through. I always feel like VIP. lol  We also dont have to wait in lines when we get to the front doors, we just go around and inside where they again, swipe my card and we all head upstairs.

The kids of course were excited. Laughing and giggling. which always puts smiles on my face. here’s a few pictures of them. And by few, I mean a shit ton.

The day went by pretty smoothly, we had four tantrums. (two from each kid.) but they werent monumental meltdowns so we were thankful for that.

After seeing all the little areas, with the many little fish. We went to my favorite place. The shark tank room. Its dark, and cool. and they play really beautiful relaxing music. The tanks cover from wall to wall, and floor to ceiling. If the benches were soft, I would lay down and sleep there watching the giant turtles and sharks and barracudas swim around.  It is such a peaceful place. Theres only one place That makes me feel that calm and happy. Space.

While I was in my own little peaceful world, the kids were extremely excited and were running around and had decided to tackle G. who my daughter calls Mamma G.

And G had them tackle me too.

Here are a few more pictures from our time at the aquarium.

After the aquarium we headed over to the mall for an early dinner. We walked around a bit first, G stopped by hot topic for the tenth doctors sonic screwdriver. ( i havent been in hot topic in 11 years. and it was VERY different in there. I didnt recognize any of the band t shirts, any of the music playing. I felt very old. it was not a good feeling. lol)

After a bit more browsing, we headed to the California pizza kitchen for dinner. ( in case anyone wanted to know I ordered a cobb salad, izzy got mac n cheese, and G and B got a pizza.)

We just sat and relaxed, reviewed our pictures from the day, and had a nice conversation with our 19 year old just out of the closet waiter. Who was thrilled to have a lesbian family for customers. lol He seemed a bit bummed when we told him that we were on again off again for the past three years. And are finally not together. But we still love each other. He offered to take some family pictures for us after dinner.

G and I have grown as a “couple”  We have both changed from difficulties in our lives recently. We love each other very much, but we are both content with where we are in our “relationship” We are affectionate, we are loving towards one another, and we spend as much time together as we can. And we continue to raise our kids together. But we are not “together” and we dont have sex. We dont believe that sex is needed in our relationship because we know we love and care for each other.

Anyway. After a very long day, I put Sarah Mclachlan on in the car, and before we knew it, both of the kids were passed out.

So that was our day. We all had so much fun, and look forward to many more days like that one in our future.

Be good to the world, Be good to each other. Spread love.

CiCi

Time to leave.

So my last post wasnt a happy one. And i figured i should make an update before i went to bed for anyone who has been following this blog and wanted to see if everything was ok.

I am ok. But i am completely changed after that last fight. It showed me that regardless of blood, no one will have your best interest at heart except yourself. And everyone will betray you at some point. Its up to you to chose whether you want to let the abuse continue or not.

And I choose to not endure it anymore.

I am back on speaking terms with my father right now, and with my mother. But i dont say much, i dont start the conversations with them.

That night, I felt completely alone, and backed into a corner. I had never felt so out of control of my own life other than my rape. And it is not a nice feeling to have your family flip a switch and all turn against you at once. I felt completely trapped.

So I decided that I am taking a stand finally. I am going to continue to save up money. try to find a job. ( though the only thing florida is known for is tattoo shops, chinese food stores, nail salons, and strip clubs.) there arent many jobs here in tampa.  I could be a stripper again. But I really dont think that would be a wise move. I would be thrust into that world again with alcohol, drugs, and men raping me with their eyes. Stripping was fine when I was 19. But im an adult now, and so much has happened to me that I dont think I would survive if I went backwards. So hopefully I can find something seasonal.

Im looking for jobs in new mexico. and the housing out there. because once i save enough, and secure a job in Roswell, i am packing my daughter and I up, and we are leaving this state for good. leaving all of these people who have sucked the life out of me for so many years.

I have spent the last 25 years living to make everyone else in my life happy. And i cant do that anymore. I was suffocating, the people were suffocating me,  the florida atmosphere was suffocating me. And my daughter deserves a life that isnt filled with over control, and threats of safety if you dont comply.

my daughter and i deserve peace, and happiness, and freedom.

I love my mother and father. And humans make mistakes. But lately, they have been acting out of hate and malice towards me.

I am extremely tired, and I still dont have my voice back fully after screaming in panic during that fight. I am a changed person. After I was raped I had two options.

Save myself from myself

or drown in the well i had helped dig for myself.

And I chose to save myself.

I have been molested as a child, I have been physically abused by izzys father for 7 years of my life, i have been verbally and emotionally abused by my father. And i have been raped.

None of those things could defeat me.

I think people should stop underestimating how strong I really am.

I am headed to bed, I want to post tomorrow, what me and izzy did today. because i am too tired to do it now.

Be good to the world, Be good to each other. Spread love.

CiCi

how quickly things change.

This post will be quick because i am online looking for battered women’s shelters for me and my daughter to stay in until we can get on our feet.  I am putting this up as my statement of what happened tonight. because im tired of being lied about.

my daughter was running  around hyper, which was fine. she came over and screamed in our cats face. I raise my daughter to respect and love animals, especially our pet. so screaming in our cats face is not okay. i smacked her in the arm.  and told her that it was mean and to not do that again. My father started screaming at me, telling me not to do that to her because she did nothing wrong. He then started saying that i smacked my daughter in the face, and that he was going to drive up to cps office tomorrow and take my daughter away from me. I could do nothing but cry and panic because that was a lie. i didnt hit my daughter in the face. i would NEVER hit my daughter in the face. My daughter, is the only reason i am alive. the only reason i quit drinking, the only reason i stopped hating myself. I no longer feel safe here. I dont have any family that i can trust and i have never help so utterly trapped in my life. I set up a gofundme page to help raise funds so that i can get me and my daughter into our own place. and to help with daycare so i can find a job. I want to once and for all get me and my daughter away from my abusive father. he has slammed me into walls by my throat threatening to kill me, he constantly would tell me i was fat and should stop eating, he is emotionally abusive, and manipulative. I do not want my daughter to grow up in the same environment I did. He has already turned my four year old against me, to where she even told him to call the cops on me. that she doesnt want to leave him. I am terrified that he will take my daughter, and im terrified that i might never be able to get us out of here. so if any of you could help out. by donating, and spreading the link. please it would mean so much to me for my daughter to have a happy abuse free life.  so please help if you can. im trying to get out of here asap.

cici

http://www.gofundme.com/fuat9s